My Journey Inward to Self-Reclamation
I grew up in a small northern, mining community. As a young child, I spent hours playing outside, surrounded by nature, soaking up the sun, and being care-free. From an early age, I was an active member of my cherished community, playing on a variety of sports teams, volunteering on every committee possible all while living a sheltered and safe life. My family was filled with love and I never questioned my sense of belonging.
Like most young adults who grow up in a small community where you know everyone, moving away to a big city is a make or break decision. Without realizing it, it broke me down. In my late teens and into my 20's I became a deeply insecure, lost and lonely woman.
I was the queen of self-abandonment, a people pleaser and constantly worried what everyone thought of me. I avoided conflict, consistently judged others and lacked direction in my life- expecting certain things to be handed to me. I lived from a place where all of my validation had to come from external sources. I would become whoever I thought they wanted me to be, working harder, longer hours - hoping to prove my worthiness.
Yet, despite my drive to succeed and prove myself, I battled with intense feelings of unworthiness. I was striving to please others, constantly comparing myself and falling short, which only left me feeling shame, directionless, and fearful of everything. This reflected in all of my choices and relationships. I went from bad relationships to worse ones, losing more and more of myself each time.
Rock bottom came the day I found out that my beloved "Golden Grams" passed away. Words cannot express the loss I felt that day. I was alone and hadn't yet learned how to process grief.
Grams was my safe space to land whenever life was difficult, which was often. Our weekly calls were comforting, her voice encouraging and always understanding. Although she left me with some of the greatest gifts in life and I carry her with me, all I could do at the time was completely numb out in every possible way.
After her passing, I began to question the deeper meanings of life, death, and my own purpose. I came to the realization that I had spent too many years chasing ghosts. My years of self-abandonment, perfectionism, comparison, workaholism, and poor relationship choices completely disconnected me from my truth.
I didn't realize it at the time but her passing was a pivotal moment in my life and sparked a journey of self-discovery and healing.
From that point on, I decided to pursue my own path at all costs= I gave away most of my belongings and moved across the country to a place I had never been with people I didn't yet know. I finally was taking a chance on the deep calling in my heart and yearning in my soul. Although moving away from everyone and everything I knew was scary - being in the exact same place the following year was even scarier.
This journey east sparked an inner fire in me and I slowly began to rebuild my life and reclaim my personal power. I came to realize that my hardships were part of who I am and that I had a unique gift and desired a path to share my story of healing with the world- so I called it in.
The day I discovered the VITA Method offered by the gorgeous Layla Martin, I was a full "Fuck yes I'm in". This was an opportunity of a lifetime and I promised myself then that I would do whatever it takes. I knew that it was going to be really tough and confronting but that there was no other choice for me, "the choiceless choice," because once it became a part of my awareness I knew it was my path.
I also knew before I even started that this path wouldn't be easy and there are no quick fixes - the only way out is through. What I didn't realize was that life doesn't get easier after doing the inner work. It still throws your curve balls and losses. It still takes time and energy to realign back to my center and regulate my nervous system. The beauty of it is that as you create depth within you also lessen the time it takes transitioning from the sympathetic "fight or flight" to the parasympathetic nervous system which is responsible for the body's "rest and digest" function.
Training under Layla was the most difficult, humbling and raw experience of my life. It broke me wide open. It was the deepest dive into myself- mind, body, and soul - I left no stone unturned. I journeyed into the depths of my shadows, dove deep into my inner work, connected with source and intuition, sat in meditation, made space in breathwork, practiced pleasure and spent time by myself in nature. I learned to accept and express every emotion within me and experienced pleasure on an unparallel level.
This journey took years and yet I feel like its just begun. I want you to know that this wasn't overnight, it took hundreds of baby steps and an true understanding of the cycle for expansion and contraction. It came from a journey inward basked in raw beauty & vulnerability. I still walk away from every session or practice with a new piece of my truth- reclaiming my authentic voice.
I have come to believe that realigning your life to live authentically, from the inside out, will allow you to reclaim your pleasure and power, which will reflect in your life and everyone you come in contact with. My work has become about serving women in their own self - reclamation from a space of peace, love and gratitude. This work is sacred to me, I honor the shadow & the light, the expansion & contraction and the humanness in being human.
As a result of this work my life has expanded to a place of inner knowing, vitality, and authenticity. I have fully reclaimed my life and look forward to sharing this wisdom with you as you begin your own journey inward.